I wish I knew then what I know now… I would have been the best parent :] I truly had good intentions to raise my children to know their value, but somehow in the everyday grind of living with 4 kids, 7 years apart from oldest to youngest, I became the law instead of grace. When you become the law/enforcer there is tone that you unconsciously or consciously fall back on. It’s a tone that tells a child that their wrong. This tone leads to a child feeling like they are not enough and it lowers their self esteem. The greatest thing you can give a child is the gift of self confidence. Like in the book, “The Help” the nanny says, “You is smart, you is kind, and you is important.” Long after the nanny is gone the child will remember the gift given to them.
You see no one can keep up with 5 kids, we adopted our last, and hope to keep up with everything. Well, I tried – there were lists, meals and lots of laundry. The only thing that these list provided was blame. The lists became another thing for me to manage. Instead of making the list in charge of keeping track of what needed to be done it slowly became in charge of me. I’m not saying to throw away your lists and other things that help you keep a schedule just utilize them in a different way. Once a list or routine is established make the list the task master. A child will ask can I….. and then your response could be what does your list say? what things need to be done when you wake up, before lunch or supper? Then the blame is put on the list or routine and you get to be the coach.
Lists are a great way to bring order to your day. There so many things to keep track of as a parent. The more you utilize lists the more it will be normal to your children to follow a list. Some of the lists I use are:
- Daily chores, monthly chores and seasonal chores.
- Meal Lists(I like to have a 3 week rotation)
- Grocery Lists
- Travel
- Calendars are also lists
- Practicing their instruments
The secret ingredient to making it the list’s fault is to always say “yes you can when your list is finished.” We are not trying to punish the child we are teaching him to follow the list. You will be rewarded over and over again with a more peaceful home.
The next time a child asks to do something point them to the list or routine. If they complain you can respond with, “That’s how it goes.” You don’t need to raise your voice or change your tone, it’s just a fact. Facts don’t blame they just are. I learned this lesson recently from my 3yr granddaughter when they were visiting this summer. She looked up at her mom and said, “Is that how it goes?” What an amazing answer to instill in children. Its’ not because they are wrong and mom is right. It’s not because anyone is at fault, sometimes it is just because “That’s how it goes.” Sometimes there is no reason or blame to go around it’s just a fact of life.
Now when my last child at home asks me a question I ask what does the list say? It’s no longer that he is wrong and I am right. If you use the list correctly it becomes the list itself that is wrong or right. We, as parents, need all the breaks we can get. Can I go to, can I watch, can I… the answer is let’s see what the list says? Oh, you didn’t walk your dog yet? Yes you can after you walk the dog and finish your list. Why? Because that’s how it goes!
Little Steps 