Author: Deborah Tschetter

A few posts earlier in “That’s How It Goes,” we learned about lists and power struggles. There is no need to argue with a child. I mean we are the adults and should have a lot more life experience than our children. But going down the road called power struggle automatically puts us on their maturity level. Yikes! I hope we are smarter than that. To avoid the power struggle use lists and a consistent routine.

How do children draw you into a power struggle? Have you ever had a 3 year old look you in the eyes and say NO, I WONT DO IT? At that point I’m thinking do you know how much older I am than you, how much more experience I have had than you??? Because the real issue here is how do I get my child to respond quickly and not continue to stand in the middle of a busy street, touch the hot stove top or take any strangers hand. (Yes I had a child who would wander off if I took my eyes off of her for just a second.)

First stay calm. In a positive adult tone explain to them why this situation is dangerous or not, how it goes in your family, class, church…. When they respond reassure them that you did hear them by repeating their words. “You went into the street to get your ball?” When they are reassured tell them how you want them to act in the future. “Please ask an adult if you can get your ball in the street.” If they protest again say, “That’s how it goes.”

Another approach is to have something short to say when they are ready to have a conversation. My grandson will cry when he realizes he is not going to get away with the behavior. I have him sit on the step and remind him that we can talk about the situation when he is ready to stop crying. Then we review what happened like “I took my brothers blanket.” “I didn’t have gentle hands.” We repeat together “Kind Words, Gentle Hands, and Don’t Jump On the Couch.” We say the last phrase in a silly way and he is ready to play with kind words and gentle hands. He just needed a little interaction with grandma. This is not a one and done situation. Be prepared to keep the above on the repeat.🙃

Now onto lists. Lists work really well when children are older or for younger children if you use pictures. For younger children I recommend Melisa and Doug’s Magnetic Responsibility Chart. The pictures are already made for you and put on magnets so you can decide what you want your child to work on that week.  At the end of the week you can give them a surprise if they complete a certain percent of the work. The surprise depends on what motivates your children: cash, visit a special park, special ice cream, out for breakfast with Dad, etc….

One last topic I want to share are routines. I’m sure there will be another post coming on routines but lets cover it briefly here. A consistant routine makes a secure child which includes when we eat, songs we sing, table time, story time and even potty time. Why? when children know what comes next they are more confident about their ability to do the task infront of them. There are less meltdowns and a lot more fun. When my grandson L comes over he knows exactly what time he eats lunch, and then we play until about 1:00 and L finds his “lovey” before we tell them time for a nap. He is ready for that nap because at home, daycare, and grandmas he takes a nap after lunch.

Look for the next post where we will talk about using lists with older children with rewards and consequences.

My mother went to be with our Lord and Savior a year ago. We spent a lot of time together traveling to Marquette, MI a few months before her passing. It was such a relaxing time together. We saw where her great grandparents were stationed on Mackinac Island, her grandparent’s and great grandparents’ homes in Marquette, and a monument that her father helped build with the boy scouts. What a treasure that was stored up in my heart.

It was a slow-paced relaxing time and we spent hours reminiscing about the past including my childhood. It is really difficult to pass through the time of losing your mother. She knew me before I was born. How active I was in her womb and I knew her. Her voice and heartbeat were all I knew while God was knitting me together in her womb. Gone are most of the people who would have known me in my childhood. Oh, what I would give to be able to reminisce with them one more time.

One story she told me on many occasions came up again. I was about 2 or 3 so I don’t remember it first hand but my Mother told it to me. I was waiting for my Mother to finish cleaning for the day because a clean house, in those days, was next to Godliness 😉 It really was that important to her and the generations that came before her. I asked my Mom to read me a book and she told me “In a Minute.” Because she needed to finish what she was doing. Later on, I asked my Mom, “Has it been a minute yet??” This is the part where my Mom would tear up and say, “I just felt so bad, you were patiently waiting for my attention and I was too busy to remember that I had told you in a minute. Take the time and spend it with your children, listen to them, and finish your work later.”

So true, so hard to do… Children really don’t have a waiting button. But I have found that if I fill up their tank by getting on the ground, their level, and playing with them that they are ready to play on their own for a while. I’m at the grandma stage where there are new babies and toddlers. Whenever I see “W” I will act like “L”, the baby, is not even in the room. I get on the floor and play dinosaurs with “W” until he is satisfied. On most days he doesn’t even care that I am holding “L” while playing with him and “L” doesn’t care who holds him he just happy to be in the middle of the fun. Make your “in a minute” a true statement. Maybe even set a timer so they know that you mean it!!!!!!!!!

I wish I knew then what I know now… I would have been the best parent :] I truly had good intentions to raise my children to know their value, but somehow in the everyday grind of living with 4 kids, 7 years apart from oldest to youngest, I became the law instead of grace. When you become the law/enforcer there is tone that you unconsciously or consciously fall back on. It’s a tone that tells a child that their wrong. This tone leads to a child feeling like they are not enough and it lowers their self esteem. The greatest thing you can give a child is the gift of self confidence. Like in the book, “The Help” the nanny says, “You is smart, you is kind, and you is important.” Long after the nanny is gone the child will remember the gift given to them.

You see no one can keep up with 5 kids, we adopted our last, and hope to keep up with everything. Well, I tried – there were lists, meals and lots of laundry. The only thing that these list provided was blame. The lists became another thing for me to manage. Instead of making the list in charge of keeping track of what needed to be done it slowly became in charge of me. I’m not saying to throw away your lists and other things that help you keep a schedule just utilize them in a different way. Once a list or routine is established make the list the task master. A child will ask can I….. and then your response could be what does your list say? what things need to be done when you wake up, before lunch or supper? Then the blame is put on the list or routine and you get to be the coach.

Lists are a great way to bring order to your day. There so many things to keep track of as a parent. The more you utilize lists the more it will be normal to your children to follow a list. Some of the lists I use are:

• Daily chores, monthly chores and seasonal chores.
• Meal Lists(I like to have a 3 week rotation)
• Grocery Lists
• Travel
• Calendars are also lists
• Practicing their instruments

The secret ingredient to making it the list’s fault is to always say “yes you can when your list is finished.” We are not trying to punish the child we are teaching him to follow the list. You will be rewarded over and over again with a more peaceful home.

The next time a child asks to do something point them to the list or routine. If they complain you can respond with, “That’s how it goes.” You don’t need to raise your voice or change your tone, it’s just a fact. Facts don’t blame they just are. I learned this lesson recently from my 3yr granddaughter when they were visiting this summer. She looked up at her mom and said, “Is that how it goes?” What an amazing answer to instill in children. Its’ not because they are wrong and mom is right. It’s not because anyone is at fault, sometimes it is just because “That’s how it goes.” Sometimes there is no reason or blame to go around it’s just a fact of life.

Now when my last child at home asks me a question I ask what does the list say? It’s no longer that he is wrong and I am right. If you use the list correctly it becomes the list itself that is wrong or right. We, as parents, need all the breaks we can get. Can I go to, can I watch, can I… the answer is let’s see what the list says? Oh, you didn’t walk your dog yet? Yes you can after you walk the dog and finish your list. Why? Because that’s how it goes!

So many times we underestimate the abilities of younger children. I was reminded of this when my daughter came to visit with her husband and 2 children. Their Dad was very busy trimming our trees and I was feeling that the girls weren’t spending a lot of time with him. All of sudden I looked up and there were my 3 and 4 year old granddaughters on my roof helping Dad clean my gutters. Now don’t be alarmed, their Dad was vigilant in keeping them safe. : )

Learning while doing works best for young children. You can have the best lesson planned to teach safety but until you actually go and physically do it it doesn’t stick in a child’s head. Children need action for retention. Up on that roof what were my grandchildren learning? Safety, helping others and my dad loves me(time with dad).

We tend to think that we must develop this great plan and complete it perfectly for it to count as learning. When we actually need to be available to see the “Learning Moments” in each day. If you go for a walk and see a butterfly that could be a learning opportunity for your little one. You could then get books from the library on a butterfly’s life cycle, butterfly gardens, metamorphoses, etc… No library? Guess what? YouTube has many videos of books to read aloud. You could even print out a picture of a butterfly and label it’s parts or print out a worksheet of the life cycle of a butterfly. For even deeper learning you could practice vocabulary like metamorphoses, chrysalis, or caterpillar! Pinterest is also a great tool to use. You can find almost anything on there. There are so many talented people contributing everyday!

Don’t be concerned about following the rabbit trails of learning and not getting the serious work done. The point of learning with younger children is sparking a life long joy of learning. Let the little children lead YOU in the adventure of learning by following their interests!

Deuteronomy 11:19 NIV

Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Complicated ideas broken down in little steps opens up the world for small children. Children’s minds are constantly taking in information and learning. It’s surprising to have a child tell you how metamorphoses works or the orbit of the earth. Did they learn the information by sitting down and taking notes? No! They were probably twirling around in circles or playing with their cars. But once something catches their interest they are sponges soaking up all the information possible. This is the aim of Little Steps In Learning. Helping teachers, babysitters, and parents spark the interest of child.

Working with children of all ages, running a daycare, children’s ministries, and homeschooling all on a budget has made for some very inventive ideas. Not that I’m great at creating from scratch, but developing an idea or adding to someone else’s creativity is where I shine. I hope you will find value in the ideas I post and use them as a springboard for the children in your life. Please let me know how you have incorporated them!